Ivories at the Old Red Lion theatre

It probably sound like a weird thing to say as a critic but I don't actually enjoy writing bad reviews – I appreciate the time and effort that goes into creating a piece of theatre and for that reason I tend to steer clear of anything I don't think I'm going to enjoy. However I've seen some fantastic fringe/off-west end horror over the years and if it's a little bit tounge-in-cheek then that can also work well. So for this reason I was more than happy to go and watch 'Ivories' (written and starring) Riley Elton McCarthy which describes itself as follows: 'Returning home to settle their dying grandmother's estate, Sloane spirals into a story they swore they'd never tell. Their husband unearths malevolent family secrets, and their best friend discovers there's more to the creaky old house than meets the eye. The haunted house transforms into tragicomic depravity. A bisexual spin on the golden age of horror, this propulsive and spine-tingling new drama dares you to think twice about what may be lurking underneath your home that you'd rather stay buried'.

It sounds fun right?

The curtain rise on a set that is very much horror by-numbers: Dilapidated house complete with flickering lightbulb, radio white noise, smoke machine and creepy dolls, its not original but it works.

We are then introduced to Gwyn (Matthias Hardarson), who in classic scary movie style arrives at the house on a dark and stormy night. Immediately, he's berated by his spouse Sloane (Riley Elton McCarthy), for being late – though it's not clear what he's late for or why it matters. The dialogue feels scripted, and it takes a little while to work out what's going on, and the relationship between the two characters.

Sloane it turns out is looking after their terminally grandmother (who's stern photo is hanging in the hallway) and gardener husband Gywn has come to help, from the outset, the mood is tense and uncomfortable and it's not clear how the plot is going to develop.

The pair are soon joined by Gywn's gay best friend Beckham (Daniel Neil Ash), who (At least to start off with) seems to provide some much needed light relief, however it's not long before the mood darkens and the spooky goings on in Grandma's house of horror's force the tensions within the trio to rise to the surface…

What I found slightly odd and unconvincing about the dynamic between these 3 characters is that Gwyn and Beckham have a backstory (albeit a rather convoluted one) and a reasonably convincing friendship, where as Sloane (supposidly the main character) is just a 2 dimensional 'person with issues' we are never told how Sloane and Gywn met, it's not clear what draws them together and why he would choose to stay in a relationship that appears to be so one sided. Possibly he is just awe of Sloane, who we are told is a tortured genius playwrite – A budding Tennessee Williams if you will! In fact Tennessee Williams's name is dropped so often that I wondered if the play was supposed to be some sort of homage to his work. If that was the case, I'm sorry to say it went completely over my head.

What did stand out though was the ridiculous amount of tired horror cliches that get shoe horned into this production: There's Sloane's abusive childhood that is hinted at but not fully explored, the dying grandmother who no one (not even the other cast members) actually meet. (Who they/them is supposedly caring for although seems to get completely written out about 2/3rd of the way through) Also while were on the subject of forgotten family members theres also a dead sister who's wheeled out for the final act. Not to mention the creepy basement that is strictly off limits! and all the other little threads that don't really go anywhere such as why the neighbours are so unfriendly and why they go out to water their plants at night in the rain.

If developed properly any one of these plot points could stand alone to create a compelling horror element. but mixing them altogether and pouring them on top of a clunky Gen Z love triangle just leaves us with 90 minutes of unpalatable and unconvincing sludge.

It's never a good sign if a play doesn't have an interval, it generally means they don't trust the audience to come back after it, and believe me if this nightmare had had a breathing space in the middle I would have most likely escaped to the bar. However, it didn't so we were forced to see it through to its tortuous 'exorcist' meets 'Amnityville' meets third rate hammer horror conclusion – The only thing about this which was in horrifying was just how hot it got inside the small tightly packed theatre space!

But at least this means I can end on a positive and say hats off to the cast who saw it through to bitter end on a sweltering hot summers day in a small unventilated space while wearing essentially autumn/winter outfits – good job guys!

https://www.ivoriestheplay.com/